so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
