Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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