I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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