Hippo gnu deer
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Drunk is a universal language darling
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