you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
