Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
