Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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