just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
