I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
