First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
