I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
