i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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