a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
