The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have so many feelings about this burrito
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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