D3 body, D1 cock
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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