The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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