Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I could make wine with my vomit
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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