I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
