...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
