On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's shark week go big or go home
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
