Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then my night got REAL pukey
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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