but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
