She's JV to your varsity
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
