Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
