Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
