Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
