I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
