i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
