wrigley field is MILF paradise
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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