Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
