The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
