weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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