I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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