You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
