I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
