I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
