That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
