I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
