it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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