we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
