Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
