I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
