Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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