great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
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I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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