There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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