i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You're like the curious george of whores
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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