I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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