This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
