I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
