i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
