Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
