I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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