if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
