dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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