The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
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Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
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Of course I have a pirate flag
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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