you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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