I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
