i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
