My cat gives me a boner
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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