i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
